Pink Garden

Monday, July 20, 2009

We went to the doctor's today =]. I've had a lot of bad experiences with doctor's almost killing me and stuff but this one saved my life so I'm pretty happy about that =]. But, anyways, he might have figured out what is wrong with me. Of course, it might not be right. We have to get blood tests and stuff to check to see if it's there. So there may end up being a completely different diagnosis but I can't imagine what. Because this one makes so much sense o.o. I can't remember the disease exactly, but it's Wilson's something. I'm leaning towards Wilson Syndrome. Maybe? I dunno lol. I know it's Wilson something and I'm pretty sure the second word begins with an S.

But anyways, it's basically a genetic abnormality that causes more copper to appear in your blood which is very detrimental. Because copper pushes out the zinc in the body. More copper = less zinc. More zinc = less copper. This can cause migraines, liver function problems, heart problems, pain in the joints, weakens the immune system, causes a loss of cognitive sense, blacking out when you stand up, and all that fun stuff. And the thing is, when I catalog all this I find that I have all the symptoms. Today, I learned my liver is kinda possibly failing >.>. And what with the whole rheumatic fever thing. We think that was caused by the weakened immune system.

Unfortunately, it's rather undiagnosed and people can get heart attacks from it at an early age and can also lose liver function. Both which equal death unless you get on tons of drugs, catch it in time, and are lucky to have a good enough doctor. And the last one is really rare. I don't like doctors. You might be able to tell =P. This one guy we're seeing is an exception. But they've almost killed my grandad through their inadequacy and killed me. And I've seen lots of doctors. And so has my grandad. I don't trust them. Never will =].

It's just that life is not like the tv shows, the doctors don't care outside the appointment. After they see you and give you drugs you are out of their life until they pay you again. Doctors don't care about you if you aren't already in the emergency room. By which time it's too late. Sorry that was a real tangent XD, but I don't like the fact that so many people die because they are undiagnosed. And not because of their own stupidity (which isn't really their fault) but because of doctor's being too ignorant. And I hate it. They learn this knowledge and then they forget it. It's like they want to become a doctor for the money. And even if that's not the reason, they always get messed up by the medical industry. Always giving people drugs to fix their problems and when that doesn't work, they give up.

Sorry for this. But the medical industry really makes me angry. Big drug companies have commercials and put their products in all the stores. Sure this may cause heart attack and death but who cares as long as it makes you not depressed. We won't even monitor your health like we're supposed to. Instead we're just gonna expect them to work and when you die from becoming even more depressed because of the anti-depressants, we're gonna blame everyone else but us. Because that's what tends to happen with anti-depressants. If they don't work with your body chemistry, they end up making you even more depressed than before. Sounds like a real wonderful drug doesn't it?

And all the doctors and hospitals have been brainwashed. Drugs are the only way. Not making your body work the way it's supposed to work by using natural products like vitamins. Not by boosting your immune system using a natural product coming from the food we eat. Not by giving our body the stuff it needs to survive. Instead the doctors give you stuff that's been created in a petri dish. That hasn't been tested well enough and ends up killing more people than it saves.

It's even worse in the US because the FDA is completely bogus. They typically let the drugs or the modified foods into our country because they just want money. They're paid out by the companies in order to keep them on the market. I don't know the details exactly but the FDA had been letting a modified sugar through to the markets in the US where in all other places it had been banned from use. But our FDA? They welcome the money it brings. Sure, it might cause illness and death but we have money in our hands. What's more important than that?

And then there are the genetically modified fruits and vegetables. Did you know that there was a plant that was genetically modified so it had a protectant against bugs. I would cripple the spinal cord so the insect would die. Well, low and behold, we find it not only works on insects, but it works on children as well. And then when they stop production of it, they aren't careful enough to quarantine it and seeds from them could have spread.

And that's not even the bad part. There was an experiment done at a high school and they had two cages of mice. In one cage they gave the mice food that hadn't been genetically modified. In the other they fed them geneticaly modified food. The mice in the non genetically modified food cage stayed fine. They acted like normal mice. But in the other cage, the mice began to fight and their sleeping habits changed. At the end of the experiment two of the mice in the genetically modified cage had died. What does this tell you?

Because do you know what we're doing to our fruits and vegetables. We're combining them with insect repellants. Which are toxic to humans. Yeah, this is part of our food. No matter how much we clean them, our food will still contain its genetics. Sounds like fun doesn't it? But not only that. Our improvements in prevention of insect destruction in our crops only manage to make the insects worse. Because some of the bugs are resistant to it. And so those are the ones who have children and eventually you have a whole colony of insects that are resistant to your repellant. And then you have to find something new. Typically, it's more chemical and worse for humans.

And not only that, but humans haven't really studied genetically modified crops that well. They haven't figured out the detrimental side effects. Instead they assume nothing is going to happen. It's stupid and idiotic and eventually it's going to kill us. But, now, they've experimented on the first sperm cell. Do we actually understand what we are doing? Do we know the side effects of genetic modification enough in order to risk our loved ones? I'd say no. We are not ready. It's not some argument that God created us and that we are supposed to exist as we were created. No, this is a logical argument. I personally don't want to risk my future children. I want people to realize the danger of this.

We need research before we end up destroying our race. Although my guess is that the world will be better off without humans.

Oh gosh, I'm so terribly sorry o.o. I didn't mean to get started on the evils of the world >.<. And it's not even well written on the evils of the world XD. But this will probably happen a lot >.> I was kinda holding back. Sorry!

- Feed her Sugar....<3 ;

Sunday, July 19, 2009

For some reason I'm terribly sad right now. I have no idea why but I am. My latale just disconnected at a time when I can't get back on, and for some reason it makes me really sad. Usually I don't care much but today it was like sadness. And I know that's kinda crazy cause it's just a game. It shouldn't matter at all, but now I'm gonna spend my time lying in my bed unable to go asleep and it's gonna be horrible. I dunno why but for some reason it feels like there are going to be nightmares tonight. Like everything is gonna crash down on me and I'll start to cry and it'll be horrible. Because I don't feel my emotions typically. They're usually very compartmentalized in my brain and so the sadness and frustration and everything builds up in there. And when that box is full it just breaks. And I think that's what the latale thing has done. The dam is breaking. And I don't want to cry again. I just don't. I'm gonna try to make the box bigger. I have to calm down because it doesn't matter. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. Calm. In the end I will break. It'll happen.

When my uncle died I was fine at school because I had to be. Everything was stuck in the little box, but every night when I came home, I would start to cry uncontrollably. For hours and hours. And I just couldn't stop. I'd try but the box was so full and there was this horrible coldness in my chest. It felt like it was empty sometimes. Like my uncle's death had leeched everything in me and had left me alone. It was horrible. But at school I'd smile and it'd be fine. The sorrow would only be an echo. I remember when I first heard about it. My sister had her friend over and she came to my room and told me, "Uncle Andrew is dead."

There was no reason she'd lie to me. And so I just burst out crying and I couldn't stop it. I ran downstairs because I knew that mom would be dealing with it much worse, and I remember hugging her. And then we went to my granny's house. The ride there was me trying not to cry but I would remember him in bits and pieces. And I would remember how he was and what he did and it would restart the tears.

We got there and that was when the first time I'd saw my granny cry. It was horrible. Really really horrible. I've never even seen her sad before but it just seemed like she was broken. And it just hurt to see her like that. I mean I've seen my mom like that before so it wasn't as much of a shock with her. Because I knew what her tears looked like. But I remember looking at my granny and it seemed like there was this darkness surrounding her and she was just hugging her husband as if clinging to life was the hardest thing in the world. And I watched her shatter.

And I was fine there because I had to be. There was sadness in me but once again it was an echo. I couldn't find it in myself to be sad when my granny needed so much support. With my mom I just had a feeling that crying with her would be better. But I didn't know with my granny. I just didn't know and so I compartmentalized again and I saw her without the sheen of complete devastation. I saw her how she was and that was much worse.

And right now, it's my illness that makes me want to cry. It's the people I know and the things I've done and realize logically. Before it all just comes to me without anything but the pure facts and the emotions pile up. And then they break. But I'm not going to cry now. I can't. It would smear my make up. I don't usually wear it but today I just felt like it. And if my make up was smeared my mom would know I was crying. She gets really scared that I'm depressed because I used to be suicidal and almost jumped out a window. She's afraid it's going to happen again and so I can't let her know when I cry. Because I'm not suicidal or depressed I'm happy.

And maybe that's why I'm compartmentalized. It's because I need to be. I need to have that for me so that everything that happens to me has a place to go. Because being sad all the time is just not fun. So if I hide it away and give it a place to live then I won't want to plunge scissors into my heart.

- Feed her Sugar....<3 ;

I know this is so soon after my last post but I was suddenly struck by how much I love my family. I mean, I just love them so much. Just thinking about them and the things they say makes my heart just fill. It's like it's about to burst from my chest and I just know. I just know how much I love them. With all my heart. Abuse me and destroy me I will always love you my family. And sometimes you may dislike their decisions and you can see their faults but they're my family. And I love them so much. It comes every once in a while, just this sudden pulsing of my heart as I once again realize how wonderful they are. Not that I ever don't love them, it's just that I'm not so completely aware of it. And then there are these moments and I absolutely adore these moments when my heart just pounds. And I love them. Love them so much. <3

- Feed her Sugar....<3 ;

For some reason I feel really strange writing in this XD. I have absolutely no idea what to write but I feel like I have to. You know how when you get something new and you just have to do it. Sure, you have no idea what you're supposed to do and you know you'll probably be horrible. But for some reason, you just have to try. Life's like that I guess. If it were some other time, I'd go into depth to figure out the reason that happens to me. Maybe I will but for right now the fact that it's shiny and pretty and that's why I'm writing is good enough for me.

I have a french braid in! Usually when I make them they're really messy but this time it actually feels like a good braid o.o. I wonder why but I think it's because I realized the length of my hair today. And isn't that a strange thing to think? XD I've been stuck in this place where it's short or where my length doesn't really matter and so it's never been long enough to make a pretty braid. But today (or yesterday really since it's 1:30 am) I put my hair up in a ponytail and it still went down my back. So awesome. I shook my head and I could feel it XD. Like a tickling sensation. Wonderful ^^. And so now I feel like my hair is worthy of a french braid XD. Because now it isn't so stubby or is it? I'm not really sure XD. I'm quite sure it looks horrible in the mirror. But that's life right? Looking horrible, making mistakes. =P

Hmm's. There are all these things I'm saying that I'm deleting because I'm really forcing it o.o. Usually when I write in my diary it's in the space of a day. A paragraph here, a sentence there. Eventually it ends up being six pages but it's throughout the entire day. I wonder if I can do that here XD. Well I can try =]. See ya later <3. One day my heart will speak again and the words will pour out. But now is not the now of speakage. =P. Have a wonderful day. Lots of happy thoughts! *mwah*

- Feed her Sugar....<3 ;