Pink Garden

Sunday, July 19, 2009

For some reason I'm terribly sad right now. I have no idea why but I am. My latale just disconnected at a time when I can't get back on, and for some reason it makes me really sad. Usually I don't care much but today it was like sadness. And I know that's kinda crazy cause it's just a game. It shouldn't matter at all, but now I'm gonna spend my time lying in my bed unable to go asleep and it's gonna be horrible. I dunno why but for some reason it feels like there are going to be nightmares tonight. Like everything is gonna crash down on me and I'll start to cry and it'll be horrible. Because I don't feel my emotions typically. They're usually very compartmentalized in my brain and so the sadness and frustration and everything builds up in there. And when that box is full it just breaks. And I think that's what the latale thing has done. The dam is breaking. And I don't want to cry again. I just don't. I'm gonna try to make the box bigger. I have to calm down because it doesn't matter. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. Calm. In the end I will break. It'll happen.

When my uncle died I was fine at school because I had to be. Everything was stuck in the little box, but every night when I came home, I would start to cry uncontrollably. For hours and hours. And I just couldn't stop. I'd try but the box was so full and there was this horrible coldness in my chest. It felt like it was empty sometimes. Like my uncle's death had leeched everything in me and had left me alone. It was horrible. But at school I'd smile and it'd be fine. The sorrow would only be an echo. I remember when I first heard about it. My sister had her friend over and she came to my room and told me, "Uncle Andrew is dead."

There was no reason she'd lie to me. And so I just burst out crying and I couldn't stop it. I ran downstairs because I knew that mom would be dealing with it much worse, and I remember hugging her. And then we went to my granny's house. The ride there was me trying not to cry but I would remember him in bits and pieces. And I would remember how he was and what he did and it would restart the tears.

We got there and that was when the first time I'd saw my granny cry. It was horrible. Really really horrible. I've never even seen her sad before but it just seemed like she was broken. And it just hurt to see her like that. I mean I've seen my mom like that before so it wasn't as much of a shock with her. Because I knew what her tears looked like. But I remember looking at my granny and it seemed like there was this darkness surrounding her and she was just hugging her husband as if clinging to life was the hardest thing in the world. And I watched her shatter.

And I was fine there because I had to be. There was sadness in me but once again it was an echo. I couldn't find it in myself to be sad when my granny needed so much support. With my mom I just had a feeling that crying with her would be better. But I didn't know with my granny. I just didn't know and so I compartmentalized again and I saw her without the sheen of complete devastation. I saw her how she was and that was much worse.

And right now, it's my illness that makes me want to cry. It's the people I know and the things I've done and realize logically. Before it all just comes to me without anything but the pure facts and the emotions pile up. And then they break. But I'm not going to cry now. I can't. It would smear my make up. I don't usually wear it but today I just felt like it. And if my make up was smeared my mom would know I was crying. She gets really scared that I'm depressed because I used to be suicidal and almost jumped out a window. She's afraid it's going to happen again and so I can't let her know when I cry. Because I'm not suicidal or depressed I'm happy.

And maybe that's why I'm compartmentalized. It's because I need to be. I need to have that for me so that everything that happens to me has a place to go. Because being sad all the time is just not fun. So if I hide it away and give it a place to live then I won't want to plunge scissors into my heart.

- Feed her Sugar....<3 ;